When I finally decided to use this blog I did not plan on my first post being this. I thought my first post would be something fun and frivolous, likely focused on fatshion or perhaps even a recipe. Instead, I’m starting this adventure by telling you, dear reader, that I’m not ok.
(If you didn’t have this play in your head after that we can’t be friends.)
Yeah, this is possibly the shittiest introduction to a blog in the history of the internet, but I feel that visibility is incredibly important, and part of being committed to visibility is being seen when you’re not at your best. We live in an age of curated self-image, and I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing all the time, but it also makes it so easy to forget that being human is a messy business. So, in the name of being visible, I’m starting this party off with being my true messy, swamp monster of a human self.
There are so many factors that add up to my general “not ok-ness” at the moment, some of them are things I’ve brought upon myself and some of them are completely and utterly out of my control. Overall though my “not ok-ness” is caused by being completely frustrated. Look, patience is not a virtue I possess, I’m a true Aries and I thrive when I’m barreling forward at a pace that I like (generally I like that pace to be breakneck get shit done now fast), and my current situation demands fucking patience. I’m drudging my way through college for a degree I’m not even entirely sure I want anymore, at a school I don’t like, surrounded by people who possess privilege I never will who are mostly a solid 4-5 years my junior, the student loan debt is building, my give-a-shit is waning, and my country is being run by a bunch of selfish fuck-wits led by a Cheeto wearing a toupee. I daily have a moment of, “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING?!” And I know I am not alone in this. Hell, you may even be reading this going, “Oh. My. God. It’s me.”
Regardless of the reasons and the causes of them the most important thing I’m having to remind myself of (and the thing I want you to remember) is that it’s ok to not be ok. Things are crap right now, even if things are good for you personally the world is struggling in a way we haven’t seen in a long while. And you know what? We shouldn’t be ok. The things that are happening here, and elsewhere, aren’t ok and our aknowledgement of how it effects us helps keep these things from becoming normal. It’s not normal for an entire generation to be drowning in student loan debt, it’s not normal for a government to not care that their citizens are going to die from lack of healthcare, it’s not normal for us to have a President who’s a sex offender, and on and on.
I know if you’re living this student loan ridden working-poor life like I am you’re probably watching this horror show and feeling entirely helpless. You can’t afford (literally) to run off to protest, you don’t have the money to donate to a bunch of causes, and maybe you live in a red state that seems unchanging. But change isn’t always headline making. We can make things better for our communities in small ways; cook dinner for your friends, start support groups, or maybe start a book club and read something subsersive, tell people you’re not ok and be fiercely vulnerable, create safe spaces for people to express themselves because we are going to need them going forward. When it’s as apparent as it is now that no one else is looking out for us we have to look out for one another.
So this is me telling you it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to be a swamp monster mess because swamp monsters can also be majestic sea witches. And you can reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.
You are fucking beautiful and I love you!